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| did you figure out why you left?
three parts somehow tied to one thing.
humbled some more today. i think it's really human to search the world for some sort of affirmation about one's existence. Where we don't find it, we can't call it home. It bothers us. It makes us uneasy that people do not like who we are. That are the core of our being, it bothers some people. It makes us insecure about who we are. Where we are ostracized and criticized and overly examined, we can't call home. There's nothing homey about it. It is just dysfunctional in a way. It would just be abusive to stay.
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As I reflect on the year, I will call it the year of running away. The year of stepping out of the bubble for personal and contextual reasons, it was time to step away. It was time to get into the real world. I definitely abandoned some friends, abandoned some people who are suppose to be my brothers and sisters and just walked away. I did it with such a guilt free attitude. I'm beginning to realize how much of an asshole I am. Did they need me? probably not. I am dispensable. There will be more arrogant thinkers to come through the ranks and become frustrated. But seriously, i don't know how I did this. I'm kind of scared, in a way I feel like I don't have the heart for them, but I do. I care deeply, don't i? I mean I think I do. I think, EVEN MORE SCARY than this, it made me realize how Not personal it was when Curtis left our church/youth ministry. He could have done it with a little more class, but all good. I've walked that path in a way and I realized why he left. I took it really personally like he was abandoning this grand calling, like SFCAC was his final destination of calling before China, but now that I look back, I guess in a way it wasn't personal. It was time to leave. It was time to go. When I look back more than anything I guess I see a confused teenager looking for a father figure and did not want to blame myself for him leaving, so I made up this image of why he left, "selfish" I thought. How childish, now that I look back. honestly how childish. What a kid of privilege I was to make some statement like that. I wish I could slap myself 6 years ago. I guess where I stand today. abandoning friends, people I care about I realized dang..... it was really good for me this year. It was really good to step away, or maybe chased away? haha. I'm glad how this year turned out, a little scared that some friends have implied that I hide my gifts because I can't stand Christians. Maybe this is true.
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Something profoundly shaped me by taking SOC 172, Soc of Class, Gender, Race - My prof had a line that will haunt me for a long time. She said "that we can like people and not treat them as equal. -- That you can like a person and treat them unequally." Slavemasters loved their slaves because they saw them like dogs, like animals which came back as loyal creatures to serve the slavemaster. This scares me, because I never thought of some of my actions as very paternalistic toward some people, but they are.
Only when it is done to me, do I realize the profoundly dirty comment of "I like you, because you are this way...." You like me because I am different, but the truth behind this liking is that you don't see me as equal. "I like you, but...." And the buts never end, they just go on forever. It really made me rethink one particular friendship, because it hurt to come to some of these conclusions. As a friend I guess I expected them to understand me on a different level to know my struggles and to know my pain and maybe in the end of all that mush understand that I am genuine with my words and I am genuine with my faith. "I like you, but you are different than me." For the longest time, I've known that feeling. It brought me back to a foolish Chinese boy who wanted to be white for a part of his life, because he was scared of being different. I know that feeling. I've known for a very long time, and when I encounter this feeling within my own community it rocked me. Maybe the occasional wacko, but a good friend? someone you genuinely admire.
I'll admit to the fact that it rocked me more than possibly the ex-relationship, because it challenged me to rethink who I am as a follower of Christ. And honestly, the only downside is that I am openly hostile to the tribe that you follow. I am openly hostile towards these people, out of my estranged memory of one terrible incident. This is great. More baggage. man, I can't express the insecurity.
I'd rather step away, find a sphere that accepts me? That's really hard to say. It sounds so childish, so me me me ish. but this was the choice I made. The worst, it sounds like 2nd gen Asian American Christians who are unhappy with their ethnic church and leave to hipster asian megachurch. Yes. I sound like the people I judge consistently daily basis. I research them, but I judge them. I chose to run away, abandon some good friends and try to figure it out, by myself. I leave a trail blazing path of deep hurt and confusion whever I go. Try to be the rugged individual I think I am, and by far, I'm still running.
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4th point. related but unrelated.
Christians do this all the time. We treat non Christians as if we like them, but we don't see them as equal. And people are not stupid, they are socially aware of our "high horse mentality" and this is why Christians get a wrap like Angela in "The Office." Because we "like people, but we dont' treat them as equals because they dont' have the same standards or values as us.
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| there needs to be a wordthere needs to be a word for when you are studying and reading for a long period of time and you accidentally drop your book and for a split second you kind of wonder, "hey what happens if I don't pick up this book, does that mean I stop studying?"
there needs to be a word for this feeling.
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| adults are children in disguise.this includes you, cyrus.
Grow up. stop crying over your theories.
Learn how to communicate and move on.
-future cyrus
<deleted ranting post on human ignorance>
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| the foolishness of valuing knowledge over people.I’ve come to this conclusion recently. Maybe through the help of warren- when I blasted a “famous” Christian artist in a very demeaning way and warren called me out on it. I’ve thought about it for awhile and I realize this is a little deeper to my self than I actually want it to be so I must now vent it out in confession and expression of who I am. Thank you xanga, for you always give me opportunities for public confession and public expression.
See, to make things simple I don’t have a “hate option” in my mind or in my feelings, I feel like hate or dislike takes too much energy, so I don’t hate or dislike people. It just takes too much time and effort to hate people. I also see it as more complicated. I only like people, everyone is my bff, if I dislike them, or “hate them” they go in the “ignore” category which pretty much means I have a special “filter” I use when I listen/interact to them. Hmm, a more contemporary version of my mind is the “hide” function in a facebook feed. This is the way I process, this is the way I understand the world. I don’t want to read your status updates every 5 minutes about how long you are waiting in line for Miley Cyrus tickets. I just don’t care to know, it takes up my braincells and I care about them. I’ve often caught myself saying this, “I don’t want to follow your twitter, you are a boring human being.” John Mayer, has a twitter, he seems really boring too, why would anyone want to follow what he is doing?
I think I've figured it out though, because I see ideas as influencing people so much so I'd say honestly I hate some ideas that have dictated history: Racism. White privilege. Colonialism. Colorblind Racism. Mental Colonialism. Transracial Adoption. Stereotypes.
When someone does something “crazy” that I deem socially unacceptable, I first say, “hm… are you crazy?” secondly I say “if you are crazy, I’m going to put a crazy label on you so I filter all of your crazy thoughts through my interpretive lens.” Thus creating, my world view and reinforcing my view or labels of another human being. Few break out my molds/labels that I give for them. You are special if you do. Some very common labels in no particular order: Christian Asshole. Super Christian. Asian. Lazy. Hilarious. Socially awkward. Weird lip ring girl. Queen bee. Abusive Facebook Use. Ghetto. Chatterbox. Anal Retentive. Hot. Book Smart. Brilliant. Emo. Dumbass. White. Reformed. “WTBW- Wishes to be White” Delusional. Charismatic. Closet charismatic. Legit. BFF material. Stupid. Uncoordinated. Allen Joe’s famous speech on “uneventful” Only Child. OCD. ADD.
Sadly I guess this is how I make sense of the world as a Sociologist by trade. This is how I understand what it means to be in a reality that is socially constructed.
I realize this is where I am fundamentally differ from some of my friends who “give people credit” more often then they “write them off.” I, if you haven’t figured it out “write people off” very fast. Therefore I’m pretty dang judgmental, and thus I do it rather quickly. Which disturbs me, because it all connects to this hodgepodge of insecurities I have about myself and why I am the way I am. I look at the list I have just made and I realize that more than half are bad labels haha. Terrible. Where are my good labels? I remember the x distinctly saying that I only see people through my theoretical lens and I see their lives as a facet of my research. It cut deep, because it was true to some extent. As a Christian how do I love people if my mind continues to categorize and look for a bigger picture? That’s all I see sometimes. I only see the idea behind the people, and it makes me lose sight of what it actually means to be a human. I miss maybe the more important thing that every individual is created in the image of an infinite being. That every individual is molded and shaped by a creator. Does this knowledge change the value of people? Of course, right? Or maybe I’m just stuck like the rest of Christian history, splitting hairs over whose theology is more legit and whose practice and traditions are ludicrous.
It all connects to today and why I can’t reconcile with “reformed Christians.” Why I can’t stand being in conversation with them. Why I only see their delusional ideas about the world and I have a hard time sharing a “Christian label” with them, but they are people, Christians, whom I’ve grown up with, worshiped with, prayed and studied with. What does it mean? That I guess I have to let go of the knowledge that I’m right and my arrogance of believing in a more “reasonable” Christianity. I need to let go of it to move on, see people as people right? not just the minions of oppressive ideology.
(last statement not meant to be a low blow to reformed peeps.)
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| 24 propaganda. Torture.I don't really enjoy 24 anymore. It's because just the slightest bit of critical thinking about the show will make you realize that it is trying to push a little bit more than entertainment. I don't know how "deep" my version of this conspiracy goes, but nonetheless, these hours on entertainment we subject ourselves to must have an influence in shaping our real reality. With the current ongoing political talks about torture and the use of waterboarding against "enemies" and "terrorists," don't you think it is just by coincidence that the storyline of 24 follows the idea of "crossing the line when necessary." This season especially, because Jack Bauer is on trial for crossing those lines when he thought it was necessary and juxtaposing the "by the book guy" from the FBI. "The terrorists don't have rules so we have to play without rules or regulations so that we can beat and outthink them." Although again it is a TV show, there is something very unsettling here, that the end message is that "Jack makes the right choices, because he is Jack Bauer." Some fictional person behind the talking heads of politics and big brother, he makes the right choices, after all he can kick Chuck Norris' butt anyday. Jack Bauer knows best, he is symbol of big brother always knowing what is right for our country. What's scary is that Jack Bauer is portrayed as likable, very human, very smart, and very well..... resourceful? It's kind of ridiculous that I've watched so many seasons of repetative story line, I wonder sometimes why I am not surprised that every women in Jack's life is someone used as a hostage, and that's probably why I hate kim bauer, but I digress.
With the amount of TV, Americans are subjected to, it would be foolish to believe it has no affect on how we think and how we look at the world around us. These messages aren't even sublimital more than they are someone having to make hard choices, and because he is Jack Bauer he makes the right now. On a scarier not, when we "sink to the level" of terrorist to catch terrorist, is it not ironic that these values are completely contradictory to the ideas of "American Exceptionalism" that we wave higher than the flag this country. If we are the "best in the world" at everything because of our values, our liberities/freedoms and our adhearance to "laws and not leaders" and some sick sense of weird manifest destiny, then why? why ever compromise that to catch terrorist, because you can't stop terrorism with a larger surveillance budget or better military weapons, that is the nature of terrorism. anyways
24 is garbage TV. Straight from the minds of conservative thinktanks.
Also I'm down to put Bush on trail for warcrimes and uses of torture that are against the Geneva Convention outlined but again in this country the legislation system seems to protect power, not people. It's the same in 24.
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